


re-arrange

by melabsinthium



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Break Up, M/M, Past Levi/Eren Yeager
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-09
Updated: 2019-11-09
Packaged: 2021-01-26 11:24:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,361
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21373363
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/melabsinthium/pseuds/melabsinthium
Summary: “There’s something you’re not telling me”, Hanji says watching him. “Do I have to worry? Does Erwin have to worry?”, they ask hopefully.Levi doesn’t want to tell them but at the same time can’t wait to spill the beans. “It’s Eren”.“Eren? In, like, Eren Jager? And when were you planning on telling me?”, they shout jumping on their sit.-after five years Levi and Eren meet again and Levi's forced to open his eyes on his relationship with Erwin
Relationships: Levi/Eren Yeager, Levi/Erwin Smith
Comments: 2
Kudos: 55





	re-arrange

**Author's Note:**

  * A translation of [re-arrange](https://archiveofourown.org/works/20413060) by [mels (melabsinthium)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/melabsinthium/pseuds/mels). 

February’s cool air fills his lungs and freezes his nose when he steps out of the building and starts walking home.

_Damn Pixis, damn writer’s block, dam–_

“Levi?”, a voice interrupts his train of thoughts.

_Perfect!_ Just today, when he has no desire at all to speak to anyone. He just wants to go home, crawl under the blankets and have half an hour of self-pity.

Levi turns with some imprecations ready on the tip of his tongue, but he widens his eyes and words die in his throat when he sees the person in front of him. “Eren”, he murmurs, voice so low he’s no sure the other could hear him.

Eren smiles and takes a step forward. “Hey. Are you on a rush or have time for a coffee?”.

Levi, still in haze, only nods and follows him to a café at the end of the busy street. Eren keeps on walking, just turning back from time to time to be sure Levi is still following him.

It’s been five years since the last time Levi saw him and he’s struggling to reconcile the young man walking ahead of him with the images of him in his memories. He must have grown a few other centimetres in these last few years. His face lost all traces of adolescent roundness and of the furrow at the centre of his forehead, his shoulders are wider and his back straighter. But his chocolate brown hair is still a mess and it’s like not even a day has passed since the last time Levi saw his yes, that blue-green he spent hours trying to find a name to.

Only when they are in front of the café counter Eren speaks again. “Black tea, no milk nor sugar, right?”, asks.

Levi nods again, wondering if it should mean something that Eren still remember it.

They grab their cups and sit facing each other at a table by the window.

“You’ve gown”, Levi finally speaks.

Eren smiles lightly and scratches the back of his head. “Yeah. It’s been a while”.

“When you got back?”

“A couple of months ago. I loved Germany, but I was missing home. You? How are you doing? All I know is you published your novels”.

Levi lowers his gaze, trying to cover his face with his hair. “How?”.

“_Rivaille_’s not the most imaginative alias”, he chuckles. “And I think I recognized a couple of plots?”.

Levi remembers how he got used to tell Eren his concepts when in the darkness of the bedroom they awaited sleep to come. “What do you do now?”, he asks to change the subject.

“I’m at _Wings_, we’re working on a new videogame. If all goes well, they should confirm my position and I can stay. Mikasa could kill me if I leave again”, he smiles and takes a sip of coffee. Two sugars and milks, Levi suddenly remembers.

They sit there, uncomfortable silence between them and it’s all so wrong. It’s never been like that between them, they never felt the need to fill the silences and Levi hates not knowing what to do.

Levi looks out of the window and drinks his tea. With the corner of his eye he can see Eren studying his profile. He already knows he won’t find big changes. Levi has still the same undercut with some locks of black hair falling on his forehead, the same silver eyes and same black circles around them. The only new thing is the white gold ring on his middle finger.

Eren breaks the silence. “I think I owe you an apology”. He lowers his gaze, watching the cup he’s keeping between both hands. “What I did… It wasn’t my best moment an–“.

“We both had our problems”, Levi interrupts him. “We believed we could solve them together but ended up using each other to vent our anger. It wasn’t right. For the both of us”.

Eren nods. something softens in him and the silence stops being suffocating. “Were you going somewhere?”

“No, I just left my editor’s office”.

Eren is about to add something else but his phone rings. He picks up, “Hey Mika, yes. I’m coming… Yeah. See you soon”. He turns to Levi and smiles apologetically, “I have to go”.

He stands and takes his jacket from the back of the chair and stops before wearing it. He takes a deep breath, “Do you want to– do you mind if we– do you mind if I call you sometimes?”.

Levi wants to say no because he is not sure he can handle it. He’s pretty sure that what comes out of his mouth is his phone number.

Eren saves it, “I call you, so you save mine”, he says and waves his goodbyes walking to the café door. 

*

“I’m home”, Levi calls entering and leaves his keys on the table beside the door.

He’s been living there for three years, since Erwin asked him to go live with him, but a part of Levi still sees the house as Erwin’s house. He tried not to change much in there, he appreciated the things he loved (the big terrace and the fireplace in front of the white couch) and got used to the ones he didn’t like (he would never keep the books in closed cupboards _otherwise they get dusty_ – even though Levi hated dust, it took away warmth from an house).

“Dinner is almost ready”, Erwin says peeking out the kitchen archway.

Levi joined him in the kitchen and Erwin leans down to give him a pick on the lips.

He never understood how Erwin could always look flawless, with not even a single hair out of place even while cooking.

“You’re late. Everything fine?”, Erwin asks watching him closely with his perfect blue eyes.

“Yeah, I just met an old…“, _ex boyfriend_, “friend”.

Erwin turns off the flame under the pan. “How was your meeting?”.

Levi sets the table. “My editor wants the novel before the end of the year”

“It’s going well, and you still have time. You’ve got nothing to worry about”. Erwin smiles encouragingly and gives him a kiss on the temple. Levi doesn’t answer, he still doesn’t know why he couldn’t tell Erwin it had been months since last time he wrote a page.

“You should let me read something”.

Levi almost sighs. They had that conversation hundreds of time, he hated letting someone read his things when they were not completed. He barely bears that his agent went through them! Once again, he doesn’t answer while they both sit at the kitchen table.

That night, in their bed, Erwin kisses him passionately, making his intention clear. Levi tries to ignore the uncomfortable tingling he lately feels every time Erwin touches him. _It’s the stress for the new novel_, he tells himself. He does a quick mental calculation and realizes it’s been about a week since the last time they did something under the covers, so he indulges him.

Like lately often happens, he can’t stop his mind from conjuring other images that overlap the one of the blonde in front of him. They are usually blurred and vague, but that night they take more defined contours and Levi sees a slender body, green-blue eyes and chocolate brown hair.

That night Levi cannot sleep.

*

_There is something Levi always loved in reconciliation sex and with Eren he experienced it lot of times. That night, though, something had been different. Eren took his time, like he wanted to impress every single detail in him memory. _

_They lay together trying to catch their breath. Street lights and hot air of the last august day enter from the open window._

_“Mikasa signed for university”, Eren says. “Her application for the dorm was approved”._

_Levi waits in silence for him to continue. He can’t see why Eren brought up his sister in that moment._

_“I accepted the scholarship in Germany”._

_Levi didn’t even know he applicated. Something breaks in him. He wants to tell him to not go, that he can’t lose him too. That he loves him._

_“When are you leaving?”, he asks._

_“The day after tomorrow”._

_There is hundred of things Levi wants to do. He wants to hold him and wants to cry, but he is frozen. They keep laying together, distant as they’ve never been before._

_Levi feels sleeps slowly taking him. “So this is it?”, he ask himself and maybe he said it out loud._

_“Goodnight, Levi”._

_In his sleep Levi feels a pick on his lips, so light he’s not even sure it really happened. When he wakes up Eren is not there, the bedsheets beside him are cold. _

*

The next morning Levi follows his morning rituals with particular care. He showers, shaves, washes his teeth and prepares his tea. He drinks it while reading the news on his tablet, then goes out toward his studio – it’s just an apartment his editor rented for him a couple of years prior, when he felt the need to separate his work from his private life. Rationally he knew Erwin would never read his things, but he couldn’t write anymore in a house that wasn’t only his.

When he arrives, he prepares the second cup of tea of the day and sits at his desk in front of the window. He watches out, at the people down the streets, hoping they gave him something to work on, he goes through his drafts and noted half-ideas trying to connect them in what could be considered a plot. What he achieves, as any other day, is frustration and desire to tear anything in tiny little pieces or burn them all.

Around lunch time he hears the key turning in the lock. Hanji’s the only one who has the keys beside him.

“I bring Chinese!”, they shout from the door before even closing it. “How are we doing today, muffin?”

“Muffin? Seriously?”

“It’s sweets day today!”, they laugh and ties their hair, now freed from the wool hat, in their usual messy ponytail. “Well?”.

“Shit. Just like always”, he says reaching the apartment kitchen.

Hanji looks at him intently at him behind the round lenses of their glasses, while moving fluidly in the kitchen.

“Mhm. Let’s eat. It’s easier to think with a full stomach”, they say in the end.

Those are the times Levi remembers why he chooses them to be their manager when his career started. It this block period they had been absolutely amazing – not the he has any intention of telling them, but he knows they know. He sits in front of the other and start eating.

He is about to put in his mouth the second taste of rice when his phone buzzes. He has a strong desire to ignore it, he doesn’t want to talk to Erwin in that moment. His phone buzzes again. Levi sighs and takes it out of his pocket.

But it’s not Erwin. It’s Eren. He never thought he would seriously write to him.

Eren sent him a stupid cat video and an even more stupid _have a nice day _with too many emoji for his taste – but Levi smiles anyway while he writes a _you too_ as an answer.

“There’s something you’re not telling me”, Hanji says watching him. “Do I have to worry? Does Erwin have to worry?”, they ask hopefully.

Levi doesn’t want to tell them but at the same time can’t wait to spill the beans. “It’s Eren”.

“Eren? In, like, Eren Jaeger? And when were you planning on telling me?”, they shout jumping on their sit.

“We met yesterday by chance”.

“And…?”

“And nothing”.

Hanji doesn’t seem convinced, but for the moment they don’t ask any other question. “Maybe it’s the right time you dump Erwin”, they said filling their mouth with more food anyone could ever.

“I can’t really understand why you hate him so much”.

They just shrug their shoulders.

*

_To: Eren_

_Hanji tells me to tell you to come to their birthday._

It’s been two weeks since Eren came back into his life and they never really stopped talking. General messages turned into the tell of how they spent those years apart, Levi talked about his block, Eren of how he started to swim again and joined a water polo team, Levi told about his studio, Eren of his work. Levi also told Eren of Erwin but found out he didn’t speak gladly of him. They commented tv shows, movies, re-opened topic left behind and opened new ones. All in all, it seemed like those five years apart had never happened.

Levi, in this time, saw Hanji watching their exchange curiously, then worried and, finally, just amused, so their request doesn’t come out of nowhere.

_From: Eren_

_Are they queen today too? :D _

It was a stupid tradition born long before they met Eren, when they were still in high school. Hanji accused Levi of never going with their plans and he, in the hope of shutting them up, told he would do whatever they wanted on their birthday. He never thought – how naïve of him – that they would remember, least of all that it would become an annual occurrence. The second year Isabel gave them the title of _queen of the day_, the third Petra, another friend of them, brought them crown and sceptre. From there, Levi never had a way out.

_To: Eren_

_No. Threaten to force me to do it tomorrow._

_From: Eren_

_Fine by me. When and where?_

“Who’s writing you so much?”, Erwin asks him. He just stepped out of the shower and is wearing only a towel around his waist. Levi wonders when that sight stopped affecting him.

He writes Eren hour and place. “That friend of mine I told you about, Eren. Hanji wants him there tomorrow”.

Erwin nods, kisses him and goes to get dressed. Levi’s not surprised from the lack of reaction, for years he refused to say Eren’s name out loud – he was always just _his ex_.

It’s unbelievable how he now struggles to not bring him up in every single conversation.

*

Hanji has known Levi for twenty-six years. They met on the first day of elementary school – but they don’t really know when Levi yielded to consider them a friend and not a nuisance.

In the years, they saw Levi cry. They saw him cry the day of his mother funeral, when he was just ten and gripped to his uncle jacket, afraid to see him disappear too. They saw him cry a month after Isabel and Farlan’s funeral, an evening they ordered pizza and he set the table of the apartment they four shared for four people instead of two. And Hanji swears they saw him cry a couple of months later, when he closed behind his back for the last time the door of that apartment.

They saw him cry from laughs, from frustration and, in a few rare occasions, even for emotion. But they never saw him cry when Eren left.

When Eren left, Hanji saw Levi locking himself in his house, not answering phone calls and jus sending text to let them know he was still alive and didn’t want to be disturbed. And Hanji saw him emerging from his house two weeks later and never mention Eren’s name again.

They could never be really mad at Eren, Hanji knew they made the right thing. Even though in less than a year they had come to the point they could read the other like themselves, even though they seemed to be perfect, it tuned out they were toxic for each other. There was no other choice than a clear cut but that didn’t prevent them to looks suspiciously at Eren’s return.

But Hanji also saw how, just because of Eren presence, Levi would come back to be Levi and not the empty shell he had become in those last years. They saw Levi, not the prototype of the perfect boyfriend he became being with Erwin.

Hanji, in those two weeks, could see how Levi reacts to Eren. Now they want to see how Eren reacts to Levi.

*

They are all seated when Eren steps in the pub. He waves them from the door and reaches them, handing Hanji a box of chocolate.

“I wanted to bring you flowers but can’t remember which ones you’re allergic to”, he says but Hanji is already inhaling the chocolate and Eren laughs.

He orders a beer and sits with them.

It takes half an hour of coldness and glares from Petra for the situation to stabilize. Eren asks everyone what they’ve been up to, he comments the championship with Erd and Moblit, teases Levi and Hanji and shows his best grin to prevent Petra from stabbing him with the olive’s little fork.

In the group, only Erwin seems out of place. He speaks little and takes his phone from the pocket to play with some game. Levi stopped noticing long ago, he had always been like this every time they went out with his friends.

From time to time he places two fingers on Levi’s chin to turn him in his direction an kiss him. Levi always gives him a few seconds before moving away and joining the conversation again.

Only Levi notices how Eren looks at them every time Erwin does that. He almost wants to assure him that it’s all right, that Erwin’s always been like this and that even if he’s not comfortable with PDA he knows not everyone’s like him, but in the end, he just turns the other way.

On the way home, Levi and Erwin exchange little words, too tired for the evening and with a lot of beer in their system. Peace dies in the moment Levi starts refreshing himself before bed.

Erwin begins undressing. “So. That is you friend Eren”, he says.

“Uh, yeah?”, Levi says while washing his teeth in the bathroom adjacent to the bedroom.

“I saw you talk to him pretty often”.

Levi freezes. He knows he has nothing to hide but since he started talking to Eren he had always been careful to keep his phone close to him anyway, to avoid a situation like this.

“And how did you see?”, he asks, trying to keep his voice firm.

“I stumbled on your phone”.

“You stumbled”, Levi chuckles bitterly and shakes his head. His hands grip the edge of the sink. “You spied on my chats”.

“I haven’t read you chats. I just noticed he is usually one of the most recent ones”

“So is Hanji and so are you”. Levi’s struggling to keep his voice in check.

“Oh, come on, Levi! A friend you never even mentioned shows up and starts writing you over and over again?”

May he be jealous? Levi can’t overlook what he’s done, though. “And that’d give you the right to do what, exactly?”.

“I’m not doubting you, but I’ve seen how he looks at you. I’m afraid he is using things you like to get closer to you”.

There’s something in his word that’s even worse than an open accusation. He’s been an idiot to even think that someone’s like Erwin, someone who always thinks he’s better than anyone else, could be jealous.

“And how’d you know if you haven’t read my chat?”.

Levi doesn’t wait for an answer. In a second all his tiredness is gone. He grabs his jacket and his phone and storms out of the house, slapping the door at his back.

*

The walk to his studio didn’t calm him down.

He feels like it’s the first time he has really seen Erwin. He had always known that his partner was a confident person, but only that night he realized Erwin never saw him as an equal, he saw him like someone who needed Erwin as a guide, that needed Erwin to be whole.

Levi can almost physically hear the _crack_ that breaks something in him resounding in the apartment.

It’s like he’s been living surrounded by a wall until that moment, convinced that on the outside there were only monsters, but now a crack opened up and Levi can finally see. On the outside there’s an entire world to explore.

_That’s an idea_.

Energy flows through his body and reaches the tip of his fingers. He feels he can finally feel again the world surrounding him, he feels he’s inhabiting his body again.

It’s just a sparkle and it’s the best thing he’s had in a long time.

He grabs a new block notes from his desk, his fingers itch when he takes the pen. His hand struggle to keep it up with his running mind. Idea gather, details take form, character grow up.

When he raises his gaze it’s already dawn.

He wants to tell it to someone. Eren’s the first person that comes to his mind, but Erwin should be the first to know – even though he doesn’t know what it means to him that he’s writing again.

He calls Hanji.

*

He comes home three days later. He doesn’t apologize. Neither Erwin.

“Do you think we are together just out of habit?”, Erwin asks him a couple of days later, while Levi’s sitting on the couch reading a book.

The question takes him aback. Levi stills and stays silent a moment too long for the answer to be the one Erwin hoped. “Honestly I– don’t know”.

Erwin sits heavily on the opposite end of the couch. “Can we keep on going?”

“If you asked me a year ago, I wouldn’t have any doubt. I don’t know anymore”

Erwin takes his head between his hands. “I need to know if you are still in love with me”.

Levi has to think about it for a moment. “I don’t know”.

Erwin nods, stands up and closes himself in their bedroom. That night Levi sleeps on the couch.

The following days pass in a haze. Levi spends most of his time in his studio and the topic is never brought up again, but they both now it’s there. He realizes Erwin’s really trying. He’s reviving plans Levi left hanging when didn’t meet a convinced answer form him, he even proposes an outdoor weekend. Levi, in the past, couldn’t wait to go out of the city with him, but now the idea of spending two days alone with him makes him nauseous.

Everything seems to be too little and too late.

“Why don’t you just dump him?”, Hanji asks, laying on the studio couch and shoving three gummy bears in their mouth.

“I have to try, Hanje! I don’t wanna throw away almost five years of my life”, he tries to organize his thoughts. “I owe him– I owe us another chance, but I don’t know what to do”.

Hanji doesn’t say anything.

“Why don’t you like him?”, Levi asks.

Hanji’s thoughtful for a moment. “I’ve got nothing against him personally, it’s just that… being with him you weren’t you anymore. You adjusted to him and hid yourself to be with him”.

Levi considers what their answer. “Why didn’t you say something?”

“I thought you were happy. When I realized you weren’t, I didn’t know what to do”.

They sit in silence for a while. Levi drinks his tea, wondering if he should ask what’s on his mind. In the end, he talks. “What about Eren?”

Hanji smiles, “Oh, I’ve always been a big fan of yours! But the time wasn’t right”.

Levi nods. He thought a lot about his relationship with Eren and he reached the conclusion that they were for each other the right person at the wrong time. He was trying to come to term with Isabel and Farlan’s death. Eren was mad at a father that disappeared and left him to take care of a still underage sister, he had to renounce to his scholarship in Germany and see his friend going forward without him. Levi was glad he was given a second chance to go to Germany and know better the country his family came from.

“Never say never, anyway”, Hanji says.

*

_From: Eren_

_Are you busy? I have to tell you something!_

_To: Eren._

_At the study. Come over._

Levi opens the door and finds a grinning Eren with a bottle of champagne in his hand.

“What are we celebrating?”, Levi asks, stepping beside to let him in and taking the bottle from his hands.

“My contract was confirmed, I can stay!”.

Eren steps in the apartment. It’s nothing special, everything in shades of grey. There is a living room with a couch, a coffee table and a tv Levi doesn’t remember to have never turned on. In the back, in front of a window, there’s a desk. A counter with a few stools separates the room from the kitchen area.

Eren looks around and sees the pages scattered on the coffee table, beside the notebook. He turns to Levi, in search of a confirm of his suspects and sees the black circles around his eyes more pronounced than usual, the glasses he uses to read are on his head, keeping a few black bangs of hair away from his forehead.

“You did it? You’re writing! Did I interrupt? Do I have to go?”, he asks all in one go.

“A break might be good”, Levi says, handing Eren a glass filled with champagne. “To your work”, he says raising his own glass.

“And your novel”, Eren adds clinking their glasses. “Do you want to tell me what’s it about?”, he asks leaning back on the counter.

Levi remembers this about Eren, he never asked directly about his writing, he always gave him the chance to say no.

“It’s a dystopic world in which humanity lives surrounded by wall while the rest of the world is habited by titans that eat humans”. Before he realizes, he tells Eren everything he has.

Eren watches him amazed, sometimes nod otherwise just listens intently. Levi bathes in the feeling of being the centre of his attention – he forgot how pleasant it could be. He wonders when being the centre of Erwin’s attention became suffocating.

In that moment another character sprouts. _Humanity’s strongest_, the man everyone watches with admiration, the man the green eyes of the main character always falls on.

They keep catching up – Levi’s been so busy he almost forgot he had a phone. The buzz of Levi’s phone interrupts them, he looks who’s calling and when he sees Erwin’s name, he signs Eren to keep silence.

“Hi. Yes, at the studio… No, Hanji didn’t come today. Yes. See you later”. Levi frowns, “Yes, _me too_”. Those words are heavy as stone.

“Problems?”, Eren ask when he closes the call.

Levi sigh. “Well, among other things, Erwin’s convinced you have I don’t know what plan to make me fall at your feet. I just don’t want him to worry in vain. He doesn’t even know about u– He knows nothing”.

He’s waiting for Eren to say that it’s absurd, that they’re just friend. He waits for Eren to say anything, but nothing happens. Eren remains in embarrassed silence, he lowers his gaze to his glass still almost full.

“Eren?”

“I’m not going to do anything! I know you have a relationship and everything”, he says quickly, almost eating his own words.

“You… what?”

“I thought I was over it, I thought we could be friends… I don’t want to create tension between you two. I can stop writing you and leave you alon–”.

“You left”.

For Levi their reconciliation wasn’t without consequences, but he could blame the time, repeating himself it was just a temporary thing, that he would get used to have Eren back in his life. Knowing that it affected Eren too, though, changes everything – and Levi hates the part of him that is actually happy for this.

“Stepping out of that room was one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done. I always thought I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you, but we weren’t right. Not then”. He pauses and takes a deep breath. “I forced myself to accept that scholarship. I had to distance myself and I couldn’t have done if I stayed here… I couldn’t do it even with half of the world between me and you”, he chuckled bitterly. “Before the plane left, I wanted to screw everything, come back and beg you to forgive me”.

“It’s better if you go”, Levi manages to day. If Eren stayed he’d do something he would regret and he doesn’t want to do that to Erwin, he doesn’t deserve it. “I’m not mad at you, I just can’t deal with this now”.

Eren nods and walks toward the door. “For what it’s worth, you don’t seem happy with him”, he says and closes the door.

*

Levi doesn’t know when darkness came. He’s exhausted and he should go out with Erwin and his friend, but he’s not strong enough to put up the façade of the happy couple. Last time he went out with them he spent the night feeling out of place, like he didn’t belong there. Now he knows it was because his connections to Erwin was fading – he already wasn’t a part of his life anymore.

He sends a message to Erwin, coming up with some excuses. He doesn’t wait for an answer and throws his phone on the couch. How many times did he do the same thing lately?

How many times, when Erwin was away on business, he sent his goodnight just to have some time to himself without having to explain it to anybody? Without having to answer his messages?

He always found himself excuses, he never had the courage to ask himself why he felt the need to hide from him.

Hanji’s words and Eren’s ones keep replying in his head.

How long had been going on like that before Eren came back? He almost laughs thinking about how is always Eren that puts him in the corner. The only thing he had to do, this time, was remembering him he could have a way out, that he could be… that he could build something even without Erwin.

There are so many questions now that he started to ask them.

_Since when had it been over between them?_

*

He decides to confront him in his office, after the closing time, when everyone’s gone home and only Erwin stays behind. He sits on the desk’s chair in front of him, like a client.

“I think we can’t go on anymore”, he says.

“Sorry?”, Erwin raises his gaze up from the papers he is working on.

“Me and you. We can’t go no”.

Erwin leans back to his chair and rubbing the bridge of his nose and partially covering his face. “Is there somebody else?”, he asks after a moment of silence. “Is it for Eren?”, he adds with lower voice.

“No. I need to be alone for a while”

“I see”

“That’s all?”

“What should I do? Making a scene? Begging you to stay?”

“Just don’t act like this doesn’t fucking matters”, Levi raises his voice.

“I don’t know what to say, Levi. I thought we were fine…”.

He can’t believe what Erwin’s saying. “Did you really think that half a talk was enough to solve this?”.

He stops to gather his thoughts and looks out of the window the occupies almost entirely the left wall. He can see all city from there. He’s going to miss this view.

He remembers everything in that moment. The scent of jasmine in the terrace when summer comes closer, their plans for the future, that trip in India they always promised and never did, all the _until you’ll want me_ whispered in the dark… he never thought he would be the one to walk away.

“I’ve always been… fine with you. For a while I was happy. I loved you but being just fine it’s not enough anymore”. He doesn’t know what he should add. “I’m sorry”.

Erwin doesn’t answer. Levi slowly stands and walks to the door.

“Would you change anything?”, Erwin asks not watching him.

“I’m sorry”.

“I know”.

When Erwin comes back home that night, Levi’s things are gone. The white golden ring he gave him for their second anniversary is on the kitchen table, beside his house’s keys.

*

Levi’s not sure how he reached his study. He’s not even sure he can stay there.

He looks at the two bags at his feet – everything that remains of five years of his life.

While he was filling them, he was surprised to see how little things in that house he felt enough his to bring away with him. He leaves them there and hits the shower and then goes straight bed. He’s exhausted but he can’t sleep.

He didn’t remember sleeping alone was so difficult. He remembers what it is like to be left, he remembers how one starts doubting himself, but this time is different. It’s a deeper sadness, the one that comes from knowing you said goodbye to a part of yourself, to a whole life.

He gives up and calls Hanji.

“I broke up with Erwin”, he says as soon as he hears the call connecting.

“Permanent?”

“Permanent”

“Thanks God! I’m coming”.

Twenty minutes later he hears the key turning in the locker and Hanji buzz around the apartment. They reach him in the bedroom with two cups of tea and lays down in the bed beside him.

“Thanks God?”.

“I saw you turning off in those years, Lee. I can’t pretend I’m not happy to have you back, even if this brought you to break up with Erwin”.

Levi nods. He hadn’t notice how, until not long before, everything to him felt flat. He couldn’t ignore that he started to write again when his problem with Erwin began.

“I owe him so much and I left him like this…”

“You can’t be with someone for sense of duty of because you feel guilty”.

“It’s not hurting, it’s just… sad”

“It will come to that, don’t be in a rush”.

Levi wonders what he put his friend through in those years. “I’m sorry”.

Hanji doesn’t answer, kisses him on the temple and stays there beside him until they both fall asleep.

That night Levi dreams of the end of the summer, the bittersweet feeling of seeing anyone you spent it with leaving to come back home.

When he wakes up the feeling is still there.

*

It’s been a week and Levi’s still sure of his choice. He waits for him to miss Erwin, but it doesn’t happen.

Hanji has the good sense to wait a few days before remembering the obvious, “You should talk to Eren”.

Levi decides to call him. He feels a coward, but he can’t look him in the eyes and tell him what he has to say – he sees now why Eren did what he did when he left.

“Levi?”, he answers, and Levi can hear the sigh of relief on the other side of the line. “Are you okay? I’m sorry for what I said. I wanted to call you, but didn’t know if it was alri–”

“I broke up with Erwin”, Levi interrupts him.

“Oh. I’m sorry”.

“It’s not your fault. We didn’t work anymore”.

Levi knows that what happened was unavoidable. Eren presence may have rushed it, but it would have happened anyway.

“Are you okay?”, Eren asks.

“I’ll be okay. For now, I need to be alone for a while”. A part of him hates himself for what he’s saying. All he wants is to have Eren there with him and forget about anything for a bit, but he can’t – they can’t – make the same mistake once again. He wants to give them a second chance and if he wants it to work, he must deal with his own problems at his own pace before.

“Yeah, I can understand that. You have to see what’s your and start again from there”.

“Yes. Something like that”.

“And then, if you want… If you want to try again, I’m a phone call away. Just, please, don’t– don’t call if you want just a friend?”.

Levi can hear his voice trembling, but he doesn’t have time to answer. Eren already closed the call.

_Start again from there_. Yeah.

But how does one start again?

_A step at time, _Hanji would say.

*

Two weeks later Levi saves all the pictures with Erwin on his notebook and deletes them from his phone.

It takes him one month to have a complete lunch again.

Two months later the breakdown comes.

Three months later he realizes he never liked _Game of Thrones_.

That summer he misses their holidays, but he doesn’t miss Erwin.

It takes him six months to convince himself that those years were not wasted. Seven to forgive himself for lying to himself for so long before facing the situation.

In October he remembers Erwin’s birthday and sends him his wishes. He receives back the same _Thank you. _Erwin always gave to his acquittance. He’s sorry, but it doesn’t hurt.

When winter comes Levi has almost forgotten the fireplace in their apartment.

*

Light fill the streets and announce that Christmas is coming – and his birthday with it. 32 years. He doesn’t like it, he always preferred odd numbers.

It’s five in the afternoon and it’s already dark. The day is freezing, and Levi can’t wait to come back to the warmth of his new house. He rushes his walking pace, but he stops when something catches his attention in a bookshop window.

_Attack on titan._

The result of nine months spent in his studio.

The first novel published with his real name.

It drained him, it brought to light things he didn’t even know he had inside.

And he did it alone – _as far as one can be alone with the four-eyes_.

He still can’t believe it.

Now he feels it could be the time to make himself a Christmas present.

Now, almost a year later, he’s ready to make that phone call.

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/chasing_medea) !


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